There are so many things in life that we have no control over. Whether the sun will rise or not, whether the day will be cloudy or not is not for us to decide. We have no control over life or death either. But what about the things that we do have control over?
My friends have described me as a chronic worrier. I worried about everything. When I was twelve, I worried that I was too tall. When I was seventeen, I worried that I was not tall enough. I worried about whether it would be Ike or not when I wanted to marry. I worried for three years after Ike was ready until one day he told me he wouldn’t take it any longer and literally pushed me to the altar. I worried about what I would do after I was married. And then it hit me. It was not as if worrying added anything to me. Sometimes I just preferred to fuss. It took me a long time to make this decision but I realized there were some things that I did have control over.
Like my deciding to be a stay at home mother despite my degree in Business Administration. I’ve been asked over and over by my friends if my husband pushed me into it but the truth is this is something I decided on my own. It had nothing to do with Ike. My therapist friend has asked me if maybe I was trying to compensate for something in my life perhaps I did not have enough motherly attention as a child, what with my mother being a medical doctor. But it was none of that. I just wanted to be at home, make a home for my children. Was that too much to ask?
The women libbers should take a chill pill: I think I am liberated enough. Perhaps later I shall consider running my own business from home to ‘empower’ myself. But for now my mind is made up. Stay at home mom all the way.
My first baby is almost a year now. When I look into those little brown eyes its simply magic. I cannot tell if it’s because she’s so cute and tiny or because I was involved in the process of making her but I know I want to be there for every important moment in her life. I want to be right there beside her when she says her first word which I know will be any moment now. I want to be the first to see her walk unaided. To be there when she writes her first letter of the alphabet. In a world of uncertainty, I want her to know her mother would be right at home waiting for her to come home no matter where she is.
I can smell it. The cake is almost ready. It’s nobody’s birthday but I’m making a cake just because. One of the advantages of being a stay at home is that you have enough time to do those special things. Anna coos in her cot and I go and pick her up. I rock her to and fro and sing nonsensical songs that only her and I understand. All is right with my world. Until I hear the fire alarm go off.
To be continued…